Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Would I Be Happier With Someone Else?

Oh that heralded question:"Would I be happier with someone else?" Maybe, but I doubt it. Here's why. Forget not the benefits of the one your with my friend. That's it in a nutshell. Why is that so important? Sure, perhaps you could have more physical intimacy, more laughs, more happiness with someone else, but for how long? And when will that relationship begin to look like the war ravaged one you have now?? Soon my friends. Too Soon.

Remember when you first started dating your husband or wife. Everyone is on their best behavior, your looking good, your passionate, your making every effort to impress. Then seven years later you find yourself irritated by every single thing your mate does! How does that happen?

Well, I don't know. It seems though that I've taken my mind off of the dream a bit too much and have done a 360 and I'm looking too much at realities. I have a wonderful wife. No, I have a one in a million wife whom any guy would die for. Problem is, perhaps like you, I sometimes focus far too much on her negatives.

Another thing too, as a man, I have to be the one to initiate things, and I often forget that I cannot expect her to be the one to make the first moves when it comes to physical, spiritual, or financial matters. I have to be the first.

I share this article from my heart to those who are struggling in their marriage. Yesterday I told my wife I felt like two angels crossed my path. After a series of arguments yesterday I met a wonderful elderly couple who simply looked over at me and said: &quotYou really have a good life, don't you sir!"

I turned around and saw two pearly white smiles of a contented vacationing elderly couple. The man was wearing tan bermuda shorts, wire-rimmed glasses, and a big blue Hawaain shirt. The lady, his wife, simply smiled at me, a graceful lady with long flowing white hair. I replied, &quotYes sir, I do."

Believe me, you wouldn't be happier with someone else no matter how pretty, how passionate, or how handsome. Why is that? After time you will simply revert back to all your old problems and issues. Sure, certain areas may improve, others may improve grandiously, but sure enough, your temper, your upbringing, and everything else will show it's ugly face over time.

Unfortunately, I do speak from experience. I married twice in my life for the wrong reasons, one because I was in a hurry to get married, and the second, because of an solely physical relationship that lacked any substance at all. Finally, through prayer, and pre-marital counseling, I met the woman of my dreams.

Things are not perfect for me, and I'm sure many of you can relate to the feeling of: &quotWhy do I put up with this?" The reason you put up with it is because you made a vow and you did it with your heart, not just your ever changing mind.

There are many times in marriages where the other person doesn't give like they should. It's up to you to be the giver, and hopefully your mate will come along over time. Marriage counseling may help, but ultimately you're going to have to give your problems to God and be willing to change yourself.

A very good friend of my wife's, let's call her Kimmy, recently shared that she &quotput her husband's stuff on the doorstep" after nearly twenty years of marriage. She was frustrated and fed up. Long story short, he cried profusely, something he had never done in front of her, and she took him back.

She then went on to say that she had never let her husband love her because she had all these walls up. Then she said: &quotI realized I'm the one that needs to change, not him." I looked at my wife, had a deja vu, and thought-that's my wife too! Kimmy then shared that for the first time she is starting to share her love with her husband even after eleven years and three children! Who can truly understand the heart of a woman?

Kimmy and her husband went to a couple at their church who counsels marriages, they call themselves marriage mentors, and they poured out their problems for hours to this experienced couple. Kimmy said she learned more about marriage in those three hours than she had in her entire eleven years of marriage.

I've heard many couples at my church state that they are getting success by enliciting help from other successful Christian couples. My advice is to seek out a couple in your church or friends that you can trust, to help you move through the tough times. Stamp and seal them your &quotmentors" and stick to their advice like crazy glue!

Also, keep one thing in mind, Kimmy said it and I'm saying it now. You are the one who needs to change. Not your mate. You. Who out there would divorce a giving, loving, passionate, and caring wife or husband? No one I dare say. Become an extreme lover of your wife and perhaps you'll see as I have, that she'll never let you go...

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Friday, October 19, 2007

Why Men Leave (Common Reasons Men Leave Relationships)

By: Brenda Shoshanna

There are many different reasons why men leave relationships or refuse to settle down with the woman they are with. It's important for women to take a good look at these reasons. To their surprise and delight, they will discover that most of the reasons why men leave have nothing to do with them. Some men cling to the ghost of past relationships, idealizing an old love and deciding they'll never find a person like that again. It feels safer to hold onto the past than risk failure with someone who is available today. These men prefer to dwell in a memory than to face the reality of present day life.

For some, this memory goes back to their mothers. No woman can live up to mom, or to any other woman they idealize. They begin to imagine that these other women were perfect and gave them unconditional love. Whatever their present girlfriend does is compared with that. No woman can win over an idealized memory. These men are living in dreams.

Other men leave seeking excitement and challenge. Being with someone who loves them becomes boring and flat. After years of dating beautiful women who adored him but for whom he felt little, Frederick, a handsome, articulate architect, in his late thirties, finally fell in love. It was a tumultuous situation, however.

"I was in love with Fern for three years," he said. "But I left her three times and each time she came back, wanting me again. No other woman had done that before. Fern was very neurotic. I guess that's what attracted me." Some men find the lack of stability in a woman to be challenging, exciting and erotic. The unpredictability creates a situation where there is a constant sense of danger and threat of loss. This keeps these men constantly on the alert, so things never become routine. Excitement is confused with passion. There is a sense that, because of the turmoil, they are finally alive. After awhile it usually becomes too much. "I finally left Fern and never went back," Frederick said. "It became too exhausting in the long run."

When men are attracted to neurotic women, it is interesting to note that these men are often attracting a partner who is expressing what he is also going through inside. She may be acting out what he is feeling and not able to express. When he finally becomes angry with the woman, he is really angry with himself. What we cannot accept in another is always something we haven't been able to accept in ourselves.

Other stresses also cause men to leave relationships. When a man is unhappy at his job, or when he feels pressured to commit, before he is ready, old dreams that haven't been fulfilled will come up to haunt him. He then will begin to feel that this is the time to live out these dreams. These men often feel justified in abruptly leave unsatisfying relationships in search of their fantasies and dreams.

When Renee, handsome, strong, the successful owner of a well know beauty salon left for a new woman he said, "No one leaves if they're happy. After awhile you just begin to feel time is running out and you get tired of the bad stuff. You feel you don't need it anymore. You paid your dues. You're tired." When asked why he felt the attraction to a different woman, he said, "Part of it is just plain beauty. But also she was much younger. I like that. A young woman looks up to a guy because he's older and can do all these things for her, and he adores her because she's young, pretty and makes him look good and feel good and proud."

Implicit in this is a deep need men have to be looked up to, valued, respected and recognized, not only by his peers, but by the woman he's with. Especially at a time in life when a man's sense of himself is wavering, it is extremely uplifting to have a woman who looks up to him and what he has achieved. Unfortunately, at this point, some wives of long standing can only see their man's deficits. If they then remind him of his failings constantly, it's often more than his ego can bear.

Though there are many more factors contributing to men leaving relationships, a common theme appears through all of them. The men are not necessarily responding to the woman they are leaving, but to their own inner needs, conflicts and dreams. Often they experience the woman in their lives simply as a part of their own sense of self. It is not the woman herself who necessarily causes the man to leave, but the man's feelings about himself, his own inner fantasy and quest.

Article Source: ApprovedArticles.com

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