Thursday, September 20, 2007

5 Ways To Increase The Joy In Your Relationships

By: Brenda Shoshanna

Usually we enter relationships hoping they will make us happy. We hope that this one is the right one, that we are not repeating mistakes of the past, and that finally we will receive the love, support and companionship we have been seeking.

Although this approach to relationships is normal, it usually brings disappointment because happiness comes and goes. It has to, because happiness depends upon circumstances. When things go well, we are happy. When we get what we want, when the sun is shining, others value us, our boyfriend finally pops the question, these are moments of happiness.

Joy is different. It doesn't come and go, or depend upon outer circumstances. When things are difficult, when our hopes are not fulfilled, it is still possible to feel joyful. Joy is a positive decision we have made about ourselves, and others. It involves taking responsibility for our lives and relationships. How much joy do you have in your love life? Here are five ways to find joy in relationships:

Stop Blaming Your Partner for Your Disappointments

When we're in a relationship, it's very easy to fall into blaming our partner for our disappointments, but it's one of the most significant ways we destroy our own joy and peace of mind. It is also one of the biggest ways we undermine the other person.

If you want to find more joy in your relationship, realize that if you are upset, it does not necessarily mean that something is wrong with your partner. Finding joy in a relationship comes down to understanding that it is your own expectations that have disappointed you. When we do not put heavy expectations on our partners, but are willing to spend time getting to know them and discover who they are, blame dissolves more easily. Other people have the right to be who they are and to express it.

Your partner has not been put on this earth to make you happy. No one can do that, except you, yourself. Your partner is here to share life with, to learn to be open, accepting and to grow.

Discover the Art of True Giving

There is a huge difference between giving to another and giving so you can get something back in return. When we are secretly waiting for what’s in it for us, this is nothing more than manipulation. On the other hand, joy is based upon true giving. When we learn to give sincerely, it is almost impossible to be upset. The giving itself is its own return.

True giving means generosity with no strings attached. It's giving your partner something that he would like, not something that pleases you. It means taking time to know the person and being willing to meet his needs. Some people fear giving, feeling that they will be drained or stripped bare. But the opposite is true. The more we give, the more we have. Giving brings a sense of fullness and kindness, the basis for the development of joy.

There are many things that can be given, everything from time and attention to acknowledging what makes you happy in the relationship. Want to put this plan into action? Make a list of all the things you could give your partner. Then make a list of the things you'd like him to give you. When you see these two lists side by side, you'll be amazed. See if you can give your partner what they want, regardless of whether they can do the same for you.

Give Up Trying to Change the Other Person

The incessant desire to fix or change the other person is one of the biggest thieves of joy. Plus, it causes power struggles within relationships and issues of control. One person feels she cannot love the other unless the other changes. The other feels hurt, inadequate and as though something is wrong with him.

Finding joy in a relationship means having the ability to love your partner as they are. Our partners have been put here to grow, develop and discover who they are. This can be a lengthy and challenging process. But the surprising thing about change is that the less we push and disapprove of others, the more easily and naturally they grow and change.

Learn How to Really Listen

There is no better way of giving to another than really listening. Most of the time we hear what our partners are saying, but have no idea how to listen. Listening involves getting out of your own mind and truly being there with the other person. It means stopping the little voice inside your head (the one that always comments or thinks about what it is going to say next). It means stopping the inner arguer and becoming quiet and available. When you really listen to another, in that moment, you have given up your own expectations of what you want them to say or to be, and are able to be present for them. This is an enormous gift you are giving. In fact, to many, being really listened to feels like being loved.

Give Up Trying to Change the Other Person

The incessant desire to fix or change the other person is one of the biggest thieves of joy. One person feels she cannot love the other unless that person changes. The other feels hurt, inadequate and as though something is wrong with him. The person who wants the change to happen becomes more and more frustrated as the other one withdraws or refuses to change for her. That's where the phrase, "if you loved me enough you would change," comes from.

Finding joy in a relationship means having the ability to love your partner as they are here to grow, develop and discover who they are. This can be a lengthy and challenging process. But the surprising thing about change is that the less we push and disapprove of others, the more easily and naturally they change.

Develop Patience

Patience is an old-fashioned word in today's world.However, there is no way to rush growth in relationships or in the development of joy. If you're eager to get on the right track, there are two ways to get started: Learn how to be more giving and make an effort to be a better listener. But each one of these tasks takes time to master -- and patience. That's why it is necessary to realize that as we are, right now at this moment, we are lovable and acceptable. If you're ready to increase the amount of joy you feel in your own relationship, take back the responsibility for finding joy in your life, you will be pleased at the results.

Article source: iSnare.com

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Monday, September 10, 2007

The Lack Of Trust In A Relationship

Everyone wants to believe that love is a fundamental factor, and the hostility is just an occurrence. But, because much of turmoil in the love relationship, you can ask the question: what is the cause of the conflict? And why misunderstandings appear so easily and could lead to open confrontation?

The atmosphere of suspicion and lack of confidence in our loved one is not so much in the partner, as in the inability to cope with our own emotions.

People are more likely not to notice how little he/she gives to the others, but easily discover this flaw with his partner, feeling that "you never really loved me".

The wife,cherishing the idea of revenge - because her husband was not giving all their attention and all their love, do not notice how much hostility and aggression is expressed in her behaviour. Each of us occasionally forget their own hostile impulses and assign them to our partner.

Such a process invokes lack of trust in the love of our partner. Suspicion about loyalty and sincerity sometimes becomes obsessive. Aware of their own ability to quickly and easily cheat, people have no doubt that their partners are able to do the same. Fear of love always is mixed with fear of evil that we could do other people, or they could do to us. And the exhausting race of pursuance begins.

In love, the fate does not give people the warranty of loyalty and devotion. It is a matter of maturity and identification of personal internal fears.

Getting to know their unconsciously wishes and awareness of the prohibited expression of our own sexuality allows people to avoid paranoid traps.

Another source of mistrust in the love life is the fact that if love occurred, it is taken by us as a source of happiness, as the realization of our dreams. It is in the love a person, contradictory by her essence , suddenly hopes to resolve all her internal conflicts and shifts the responsibility for the decision to his/her partner.

The mistrust is also caused the idea that the perfect partner should correspond to a perfect love. Thus, the partner is entrusted with an impossible task.

The partner must be strong and at the same time helpless, to manage and be managed, severe and sensual. He must be the aggressor in sex and be tender as well, give us all time and at the same time to work, work and work.

When reality comes out, the illusions are destroyed, and our partner appears as he is for real, we are disappointed in him, not realizing that there is our fault too.

Many believe that the key to stable relations is the absence of conflict. But sometimes conflict is a means to maximize the closeness of partners if they were too distant from each other, and if there is no other way to gain their love.

Confidence in yourself, a sense of internal strength and relevance, lack of fear to depend on the loved one can save and strengthen relationships.

To escape from the traps of our subconsciousness, it is necessary first of all to trust yourself and your feelings, not being afraid to openly discuss difficult issues, handle the situation.

Love is a big responsibility not only for a partner, but also for our predictability and a desire to understand what happens to me in this moment.

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